Dear Abusive Husband,

As you read this letter, I want you to take a moment to reflect on the day of your wedding. Remember the joy and love that filled the air; the promises you made to love, honor, cherish, and protect your wife for the rest of your life. You looked into her eyes and called her your queen. You said she was sent from God as a gift and an answer to your prayers. In that moment, you believed that together, you could conquer anything.

But as time went on, something changed. The love that once enveloped both of you began to fade and was replaced by something darker and more sinister. You’re no longer gentle with your words; you say whatever hurtful thought comes to your mind. You stopped being patient and kind. You get angry for the simplest thing, including things that didn’t make you mad before.

I want you to know that this letter comes from a place of love and a deep desire for your relationship to heal. You see, the way she experiences you has shifted. The words that used to uplift and inspire her now cut like a knife. The promises of protection have turned into a constant fear of what might happen next. The excitement she once had when she heard the door open when you came home from work shifted to anxiety and fear. She feels like she’s walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next outburst will occur.

It’s not just the words. It’s the way you make her doubt herself, her worth, and her abilities. Your constant gaslighting makes her lose her confidence, her brilliance, and sometimes her mind. You’ve gone weeks without speaking to her. This extreme indifference towards her basic desire for her husband’s affection and interest, leaves her feeling lonely. The control and manipulation have left her feeling trapped, suffocated, and isolated. She longs for the freedom to be herself again, to have her own voice, and to feel safe within the confines of her marriage.

I want you to truly grasp the profound impact your actions have on her mental and emotional well-being. The constant criticism, belittling, and manipulation chip away at her self-esteem, leaving her feeling small and insignificant. Allow me to provide you with some examples to help you understand the weight of these behaviors:

When you criticize her appearance, her abilities, or her choices, it makes her question her worth and leaves her feeling inadequate. For instance, when you comment on her weight, her appearance, or compare her unfavorably to others, it undermines her confidence and self-image.

When you belittle her opinions, dismiss her ideas, mock or don’t support her dreams, it reduces her sense of self and makes her feel unheard and devalued. Stop laughing at her aspirations or dismiss her thoughts as insignificant, it erodes her self-belief and stifles her ability to express herself.

When you exercise control over her actions, isolate her from loved ones, or dictate her movements, it strips away her autonomy and independence. For instance, when you monitor her interactions, restrict her access to friends and family, or make decisions on her behalf without her input, it leaves her feeling trapped and suffocated.

When you manipulate her emotions, gaslight her, or use guilt as a means of control, it distorts her perception of reality and undermines her trust in herself. For example, when you twist the truth, deny your actions, or make her question her own memory and sanity, it creates a toxic environment of confusion and self-doubt.

It is crucial to recognize that these actions have far-reaching consequences on her mental and emotional well-being. By understanding the specific instances where she feels belittled, controlled, and manipulated, you can begin to take responsibility for your actions and work towards positive change.

Did you know that every day, three women in the United States are killed by an intimate partner (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)? Statistics also show that domestic abuse is a leading cause of injury to women, more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). You may not think that your behavior can cause your wife to lose her life; however it can, and you must get help for your abusive ways, NOW.

I want you to know that she still believes in the love you once shared, but love should never be synonymous with pain and fear. If you do not seek help and commit to changing your abusive behavior, she will have no choice but to prioritize her safety and well-being by permanently leaving the relationship. I implore you to reflect on the consequences of your actions and the impact they have had on your wife. I encourage you to reflect on the vows you made on that beautiful day. Remember your promise to protect and cherish one another.

You both need to seek professional help together as a couple and individually, to heal the wounds that have been inflicted on your marriage. With work, you both can rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.

It is important to consider the seriousness with which God regards the responsibility He has given to men in how they treat their wives, as stated in 1 Peter 3:7. The AMP version states, “In the same way, you husbands live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with [a]someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.” This verse emphasizes the importance of treating your wife with consideration, respect, and understanding. It acknowledges the differences in strength and recognizes the equal value and worth of both partners. By treating your wife with respect, you honor the sacred bond of marriage and create an environment where love can flourish because God will bless you and your prayers won’t be blocked from heaven.

The book of Proverbs 18:22 states, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” Your marriage is a blessing and a gift from God. Go to Him and repent so your prayers won’t be blocked from heaven and your wife will return to the marriage home.

In closing, I want you to know that your wife has not given up on your marriage. She believes in the power of love and the capacity for growth and change. I believe that it is never too late to seek help, to learn healthier ways of relating, and to create a relationship built on love, respect, and compassion. But it starts with acknowledging the pain you’ve caused and taking the necessary steps to heal yourself and sow a seed of healing in your wife so you can harvest delicious fruits in your relationship . The choice is yours to break free from the cycle of abuse and to foster a future where both you and your wife can thrive.

With love & hope,
Her Virtuous Purpose

PS
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, please seek help immediately. Contact your local helpline or the national helpline at 800-799-7233

PPS
If you have questions or would like to hear about our Pain to Purpose coaching program, please reach out to us at natalie@hervirtuouspurpose.com and we’ll be happy to schedule a FREE consultation call.

Below is a short film that provides a poignant portrayal of what domestic abuse looks like for some victims, shedding light on the often hidden and complex realities of this issue.