“Let me tell you why we don’t like you,” exclaimed a cousin of mine as she went on to represent the rest of the family in her illustration of my blameworthiness.
When we think of abusive and toxic relationships, our minds often gravitate towards romantic partnerships. However, it is crucial to recognize that family members can also be sources of abuse and toxicity. In this blog post, we will explore the ways in which abusive and toxic family dynamics can manifest and the profound effects they have on a woman’s mental, emotional, spiritual, and even financial well-being.
Let me preface this blog post by acknowledging that men can also be victims of abuse and toxicity, and their experiences are equally valid and harmful. However, as a woman coach specializing in supporting women who have experienced toxic and abusive dynamics to convert their pain into purpose and thrive in any situation, I have a personal understanding of the challenges they face. My intention is to provide guidance and support to those who can relate to my experiences. It is important to note that studies indicate women are more likely to experience repeated and severe forms of abuse than their male counterparts. However, if you are a man or know anyone who is experiencing abuse, it is crucial to seek help for their health and well-being.
Abusive and toxic family members can inflict significant emotional and mental harm on a woman. This can manifest in various ways, including:
1. Constant criticism and belittlement, which erodes self-esteem and self-worth. Let’s take for example, members of a family constantly body shaming a woman who might’ve gained some weight by constantly talking about how “fat” she is or how “nice she looked” before her weight gain. This insensitive behavior can also cause isolation which further leads to her eating for comfort, which can also perpetuate her weight gain and perhaps self-harm because of emotional isolation.
2. Manipulation and gaslighting, causing confusion and self-doubt. Manipulative family members may distort or selectively present information to suit their own agenda. They may twist facts, omit crucial details, or present false narratives, leading the woman to question her own memory and perception of events.
Story of a Manipulative Uncle Mark
At a family gathering, Sarah, her parents, and her uncle, Mark, are engaged in a conversation about a recent family event. Uncle Mark, known for his manipulative tendencies, seizes the opportunity to manipulate the information presented.
Sarah: I remember that day so vividly. It was such a beautiful celebration.
Mark: Actually, Sarah, you seem to have a selective memory. The event wasn’t as grand as you’re making it out to be. It was quite underwhelming, and most people didn’t enjoy themselves.
Sarah’s parents exchange timid glances, unsure of what to say because they did not want to cause a scene.
Sarah: But I distinctly remember everyone having a great time. The atmosphere was joyful, and people were genuinely happy.
Mark: Well, maybe you’re just exaggerating things. Your memory can’t be trusted. I was there and I know what really happened.
Sarah starts to doubt her own recollection of the event, feeling a sense of confusion and self-doubt creeping in.
Later, Sarah privately discusses the conversation with her parents to seek clarity and validation.
Sarah: I’m so confused. I thought the event was wonderful, but Uncle Mark made me question my own memory. Did I really remember it wrong?
Sarah’s parents reassure her, providing their own recollections and validating her experience.
Sarah’s Mother: Don’t let Uncle Mark’s manipulations get to you. We were all there, and we remember how joyful and special the event was. You know he has a habit of distorting the truth to suit his own ego.
Sarah’s Father: Don’t pay him any mind. We know what happened and your memory is correct.
Sarah’s parents’ lack of public support leaves her feeling unsupported and fuels the manipulation that created her self-doubt.
3. Emotional neglect or abandonment, can lead to profound feelings of loneliness. In my personal experience, I shared with my cousin that I often felt like the black sheep in our family and believed that I was not liked. Unfortunately, my cousin validated my interpretation by providing reasons why they indeed did not like me. This confirmation of my negative treatment intensified my feelings of being unwanted and isolated, which persisted for a significant number of years. As I write this blog, I still find myself distanced from my extended family. However, through therapy, I have developed a healthy acceptance and even extended grace towards them for missing out on a potentially wonderful relationship with me.
4. Controlling behaviors that restrict personal freedom and autonomy. Controlling behaviors can show up in different ways. Let’s say your family accuses you of acting like you’re better than just because you’ve gone to college and they haven’t, that’s toxic. Do they criticize how you dress, look, speak etc.? That’s toxic. What about withholding resources such as money, a car, or anything that could be helpful or beneficial to your well-being? That’s toxic and abusive and can result in a range of emotional and mental effects, such as:
- Anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders.
- Low self-esteem and a negative self-image.
- Difficulty trusting others and forming healthy relationships.
- Persistent feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame.
Abuse and toxicity within the family dynamic can have a profound impact on us women, affecting our spiritually and financially. Financial manipulation, such as controlling financial decisions or withholding access to funds, can leave a woman feeling trapped and dependent, leaving her unable to pursue her own goals and aspirations. Additionally, career or educational opportunities may be sabotaged, hindering her financial independence.
These financial abuses can have far-reaching effects, limiting her ability to make choices aligned with her own aspirations. Spiritually, the toxic family dynamic may cause her to question her faith or feel disconnected from her spirituality. It is not uncommon for her to wonder why a loving God would allow her family to treat her so poorly.
Some of these examples may seem normal or just regular squabbling between family members however; when comparing a regular family disagreement to an abusive and toxic one, there are several key differences to consider. Here are five comparisons that highlight the distinctions between the two:
Communication Style
In a regular family disagreement, communication tends to be open, respectful, and focused on resolving the issue at hand. Family members may express differing opinions but engage in constructive dialogue.
In an abusive and toxic family dynamic, communication is often characterized by manipulation, belittlement, and control. One or more family members may use tactics such as gaslighting, yelling, or demeaning language to exert power and maintain dominance.
Resolution and Reconciliation
In a regular family disagreement, the goal is typically to find a resolution that satisfies all parties involved. Family members may engage in compromise, negotiation, or seeking common ground to restore harmony.
In an abusive and toxic family dynamic, resolution and reconciliation are often elusive. The abusive family member may resist finding a resolution, perpetuating a cycle of conflict and control. Genuine reconciliation and healing may be difficult to achieve without addressing the underlying abusive behaviors.
Emotional Impact
While regular family disagreements can evoke emotions such as frustration or disappointment, they generally do not cause long-lasting emotional harm. Family members may experience temporary tension but can move forward with their relationships intact.
Abusive and toxic family dynamics have a profound emotional impact. The emotional harm inflicted can include feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem. The effects can be long-lasting, leading to strained relationships and emotional trauma
Power Dynamics
Regular Family Disagreement: Power dynamics in regular family disagreements tend to be balanced, with each family member having an equal opportunity to express their thoughts and opinions. Decision-making may involve consensus or compromise.
Abusive and Toxic Family: In an abusive and toxic family dynamic, power dynamics are skewed, with one or more family members exerting control and dominance over others. The abusive family member may use manipulation, intimidation, or coercion to maintain power and control within the family.
Impact on Well-being
While regular family disagreements can cause temporary stress or tension, they generally do not have a significant impact on overall well-being. Family members can typically recover and maintain their mental, emotional, and physical health.
Abusive and toxic family dynamics have a detrimental impact on overall well-being. The constant exposure to abuse and toxicity can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and physical health issues. The well-being of family members, particularly the victim of abuse, is significantly compromised.
It is important to recognize these differences and seek support if you suspect that your family dynamic is abusive and toxic. “I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them,” Romans 16:17-18. I believe this scripture is granting permission to leave an abusive family.
I believe in the importance of focusing on personal growth and not attempting to change others. If you realize you’re in an abusive and toxic family dynamic, it is not your responsibility to try to change them. Instead, prioritize your own healing and well-being as a first step. Once you have taken care of yourself, you will be faced with two options: walking away or confronting your family. In situations involving sexual or physical abuse, I strongly encourage you to prioritize your safety and walk away. Additionally, if the behavior is negatively impacting your health, it is essential to prioritize your well-being and consider removing yourself from the toxic environment.
In conclusion, it is important to acknowledge the significant and wide-ranging effects of abusive and toxic family dynamics on a woman’s mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial well-being. It is crucial to recognize that abuse can occur within family relationships, not just romantic partnerships. By acknowledging and understanding the manifestations of abuse and toxicity within the family, we can take the first step towards addressing the profound impact they have on women’s lives.
It is of utmost importance for a woman to prioritize her mental health and emotional well-being in the face of such dynamics. She must recognize that her well-being is paramount and take the necessary steps to protect herself. This may involve setting boundaries, seeking support from trusted individuals or professionals, and making choices that prioritize her own mental and emotional health.
By acknowledging the impact of abusive and toxic family dynamics, we can work towards creating a culture of support, understanding, and healing. It is essential to provide resources, education, and safe spaces for women to seek help and support. Together, we can empower women to prioritize their well-being and create lives free from abuse and toxicity.
Sistah-friends, you deserve to live a life filled with love, respect, and peace. Your mental health and emotional well-being are invaluable, and taking steps to protect them is a courageous and necessary act of self-care.
Work Cited
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-is-a-gendered-crime/#:~:text=All%20victims%20should%20be%20able,of%20abuse%2C%20including%20sexual%20violence.