These past few years have been a whirlwind for me. I’ve weathered storms in silence, shed tears in solitude, nurtured hopes and dreams that seemed to fade with each passing day. I found myself yearning for a savior, a beacon of light in the darkness, but it seemed like no one was coming. In an attempt to survive an emotional and psychological distant relationship, I dimmed my own light, stifled my creativity, and silenced my self-worth, value, and identity. I convinced myself that I was trapped, that I couldn’t do better, and that one day I would receive the appreciation, respect, love, and attention I craved from my partner.
I longed to be seen, to be validated, to be honored, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. The more I shrunk myself in hopes of making him feel bigger, the more I felt overlooked. Looking back, It’s clear now that my brokenness annoyed him, which perpetuated his disdain for me. I wasn’t a treasure to him, but rather a bother, a regrettable choice for a wife. The woman his mother warned him against. My very existence, fractured and fragile, served as a constant reminder that his mother was right, and he never missed an opportunity to remind me that he had done me a favor by marrying me.
I was a powerhouse, with a thriving career that provided more than enough money for me to live comfortably. But like millions of others, I lost my job during the global pandemic and that’s when things took a turn for the worse. He didn’t stand by me. He didn’t shield me. He didn’t encourage or cheer for me. Instead, he made me feel small, patronized, and outright emotionally abused and physically drained. And because he was the one paying the bills, I acquiesced to my demisement. What else could I have done? I was trapped; so I thought.
This chapter in my life is one I share tentatively as part of the domestic abuse series. When people think of abuse, the focus often turns to the physical aspects; however, there is a subtler, unnoticed weight that victims can carry for years. My journey didn’t end there. The lowest point came the day after he finally grew tired of me and requested a separation. The despair I felt was unlike anything I had experienced before. Everything that held meaning for me, from material possessions to my children, was in his space, and I lacked the means to relocate. Yet, in my darkest hour, a glimmer of hope emerged. Earlier that month, I found myself on a random Zoom call with a group of supportive women. The speaker that night touched on the topic of brokenness, speaking directly to my life and circumstances. It felt as though she had been told about me. Before the call concluded, contact information for a women’s advocate was shared, and I casually noted it down, unaware of how soon I would need it. Reaching out, I was connected with a Christian therapist through a friend of the advocate, and that connection transformed my life.
One day, during a therapy session, I had an epiphany. I wasn’t alone. Millions of women, both married and unmarried, Christians and non-Christians alike, were concealing their brokenness for the sake of preserving their relationships. They were loving, supporting, and remaining loyal to their partners at the cost of their own emotional and psychological well-being. It was then that I decided to turn my pain into purpose and help every woman who was experiencing what I had gone through.
Taking Ownership
In my journey of transformation, I took a pivotal step by taking responsibility for my emotions and mental health. Through the process of self-ownership and accountability, I dug deep into the depths of my past to understand why I settled for someone who made me feel small, insignificant, and undervalued. Not having guidance on choosing a partner, due to not having my father around, influenced a lot of my poor decisions to overlook my standards for the sake of peace and showing loyalty. Seeing the women in my family stay in long relationships, regardless of quality, made me crave stability. I needed to unlearn these misconceptions and discover what true love entails. True love is about respect, kindness, empathy, and supporting each other. It involves setting healthy boundaries, focusing on well-being, friendship, and growing together. This journey taught me the importance of self-love, knowing my worth, setting standards for how I deserve to be treated, and being in a relationship based on respect and genuine care and concern for one another.
Pain to Purpose
One day, I felt compelled to encourage a friend who had a glimpse of the pain I was enduring. He understood that the physical distress I faced resulted from stress and he was very concerned for my health. I shared with him the transformative impact therapy had on my life. I expressed my gratitude for the healing journey. “God allowed me to suffer,” I confided. “Before you question why God would permit suffering, know this – He knew I would use it. He knew I wouldn’t let it be in vain.” As the chains of suffering shattered, I came to realize that God did not ordain the pain. In truth, I firmly believe He desired my liberation much sooner. Yet, my unwavering commitment to rescuing my relationship caused me to fear that leaving would brand me as a failure as a wife. One day, I randomly found this bible passage in Isaiah 54:4-6 and they resonated deeply within me and changed my perspective on my situation. Verse 4 says, “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. 5 For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. 6 The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. These scripture beautifully portrays God’s unwavering faithfulness, commitment, and love towards me – qualities I had yearned for and found lacking. It dawned on me that God was patiently waiting to restore and shower blessings upon me. I made a covenant to find solace in Him and in His plans for me, as Jeremiah 29:11 assures, “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” That was my heart’s desire! And I longed for other women to experience this divine grace, which birthed the establishment of my coaching practice, Her Virtuous Purpose.
I enrolled in a Christian coaching program to become a Life Coach. The Lord blessed me with a full scholarship to become a Mental Health Coach. But He wasn’t done with me yet. I also became an Enneagram-Personality Coach. I was driven by a passion to help women transform their pain into purpose and embrace their essence. I wanted to help them take responsibility for the role they played in allowing themselves to become victims; to forgive themselves and eventually forgive their abusers. I wanted to help them find peace within their own self-awareness, newfound emotional growth, and personal development.
My broken history does not define me. As I write this blog piece, I am grateful for every ounce of hurt, pain, tears, anxiety, and brokenness that I endured. Because of it, I now know how strong I am. My relationship with God has improved and I am committed to paying it forward and helping others who are going through the same thing.
Shifting the Focus To Empowerment
My intention is not to shine a harsh light on domestic abuse, though it is undeniably harsh and warrants the attention that domestic abuse and domestic violence advocates bring to it. Neither is it my aim to demonize men who have caused pain to women. Many of them may not even realize they are being abusive. They, too, are wounded souls. My goal; however, is to leverage my own experiences to empower women who are hurting to reclaim their lives. I want to guide them in understanding that they are not powerless; they must take charge of their own well-being. They need to love themselves, protect themselves, care for themselves, forgive themselves, and embark on a journey of healing. They possess the inner strength to thrive, and with the support of the Her Virtuous Purpose community, they can tap into that power.
Far too often, we rely on those who diminish us to lift us up; on those who mistreat us to validate us; on those who oppress us to liberate us. It’s time for a shift in mindset. We must believe in ourselves. We need to redefine our abusers and redefine ourselves; to follow through on our aspirations, to embark on the adventures we’ve dreamed of, and to live the life we truly deserve. But in order to do so, we must feel the pain, then heal from it.
As we observe Mental Health Awareness Month, it’s essential to highlight the importance of taking accountability for our mental well-being. We must prioritize our mental health, engage in self-care practices, seek support when needed, and cultivate a positive mindset. By acknowledging our own mental health needs and taking proactive steps to address them, we empower ourselves to lead fulfilling and balanced lives. We hold the key to our own mental wellness, and by embracing self-responsibility, we pave the way for a brighter, healthier future.
In closing, if you are reading this article because you are someone or you know someone who has similar experiences to mine, it’s imperative that you do not forget that true transformation is not about blaming or resenting our partners. True transformation comes from recognizing our role in the dynamics we accept. It involves reflecting on our self-worth, boundaries, and why we tolerate mistreatment. While understanding a partner’s issues like unresolved trauma can be enlightening, real change starts with admitting, “I allowed this to happen.” It’s essential to declare, “I won’t accept being treated poorly anymore.” Recognizing that mistreatment doesn’t define our worth. Prioritizing our boundaries and self-value is crucial for building healthy, respectful relationships in the future.
Finally, in the words of world renown christian author and speaker, John C Maxwell, “people change when they’re hurt enough, they have to; when they see enough, they’re inspired to; when they learn enough that they want to, and when they receive enough that they’re able to.” Regardless of which reason resonates with you the most, start today to become the change you desire for yourself.
If you have questions or would like to hear about our Pain to Purpose coaching program, please reach out to us at coaching@hervirtuouspurpose.com and we’ll be happy to schedule a FREE consultation call.